And Now—Sex, Sexuality and Marriage
Rev Dr Mark Porizky
8/13/06
Ephesians 5:1-20
There are still few ways better to get someone’s attention than simply
saying just one word: sex. Perhaps
It is just a cliche today to say "sex sells," but it is a truth we
ignore at our own peril. Sexuality forms the basis of advertising, as
titillation grabs our attention. Sitcoms find the best laughs off of sexual
innuendo and provocative predicaments.
When it comes to sex, I truly wonder if we are close to what God intended
for us on the subject. But no matter
my feelings, or yours, it should come as no surprise that many today scoff at
traditional sexual morality, such as Alex Comfort who claims, "Chastity is
no more of a virtue than malnutrition." Interesting
thought…
Humanity has struggled with sex in each and every culture throughout
history. It is a mistake to think that our age alone has discovered sexual
freedom, throwing off the perceived constraints of mores imposed by repressive
puritanical prudes. It is also an error to think we’ve sunk to lows never
before imagined in human history. Rather, the sexual skirmishes of our age have
plagued men and women for centuries.
When Paul wrote to the church in
Ephesians 5 is the classic text on marriage. It
is the longest, most popular, and most debated passage on marriage found in
Scripture. For some verse 22, the one about women being subject to their
husbands, for some that verse is enough to get the steam pumping so hot that
they don’t want to read further. For others, they find this text to support
their perceptions as to the way the world should be ordered. We are going to
examine this passage over the next week and I hope that no matter what reaction
you have had to this passage, you will be challenged to rethink your
perceptions.
But in order to challenge, we need to get at
the foundation of this passage. The most basic issue is not what does "be
subject to" mean in verse 22 or "love" in verse 25. These are the
applications which Paul is drawing out from the definition of marriage.
Therefore, it is important we look at the foundation before we get to the
application. And the foundation comes in the first twenty verses of the fifth
chapter. Let’s read them now.
Ephesians 5:1-20
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them.
For
you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of
light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and
truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have
nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret.
But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that
makes everything visible. This is why it is said:
"Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
At the center of the brilliant, but very depressing film American
Beauty is a tragically dead marriage. Though once there had been happiness,
commitment, and mutual joy over their only daughter, now Lester and Carolyn
Burnham have a quiet contempt for one another as they largely ignore each other
day in and day out. Only the outer surface of a marriage remains: they live in
the same house, Carolyn tends her well-manicured rose garden, and the family
ends each day with a candlelight dinner of nutritious, satisfying meals.
But it's all a lie, and no one senses that better than the Burnham's
teenaged daughter, Jane, whose morose nature and crestfallen expression bear
witness to a dream of nuptial bliss that has turned into a nightmare. Jane sees
that her mother cares more about things than people; more about your not
spilling Diet Coke on the sofa than how you are feeling. Jane sees that her
father has become infatuated with one of her own high school classmates.
Children always see such things with startling clarity.
The seventh commandment seeks to protect marriage from one of the worst
of all possible hurts: infidelity. This morning I want us to think about that
but I also want us to range more broadly to think about marriage in general. We
need to think not just about how to avoid ruining a marriage with adultery but
how to build up a marriage in everyday life together.
Now this morning I realize that not all of us are married. I also realize
that some of us have suffered the tragedy of divorce. This sermon does not
intend to ignore the single or produce undue hurt in the divorced. Instead I
hope we all will find pause to ponder God's lovely and loving designs for
us--designs which society seeks regularly to damage.
So let's begin with Ephesians 5 because in this passage Paul nicely
sketches a wider frame of reference for marriage and sexuality; namely, light
and darkness.
”Once you were darkness, but now you are light" Paul writes in
verse 8. This is a curiously stark image. Paul does not say that the Ephesians
had once walked in the dark or been covered by
darkness--instead he says they just were darkness. That is, the
Ephesians were totally blind. But now in Christ they not only had light by which
to see, they had become that light!
So what does light and darkness have to do with sexuality?
Then as now sexuality is a powerful force in human lives. Then as now
sexuality is one area in which it was easy to do things wrong. Then as now
sexuality is a source of lurid temptations. And
that’s why the internet is such a difficult place.
It’s so private. It can be
so dark. It should be no surprise to
anyone that pornography, along with gambling, are two of the most profitable
internet vistas. They thrive on
darkness.
These days the more sexuality blankets society, the more it becomes a
mere tool by which advertisers try to sell most anything, through reducing it to
a source of snickering laughter and adolescent-level humor. Some today try to
loosen up sexual ethics by claiming that the church, and other moralists, has
made too big a deal out of sex. If we could just relax and see sex as just one
part of life, we maybe would not encumber it with so many rules and
restrictions. However, the results
have proven precisely the opposite point: it is clear that sexuality is
important and vital.
Suppose you visited a country in which you were assured that basketball
was no big deal. Suppose you now and again heard some people sneer at all those
zany religious types who suggested that basketball needed to be kept in its
proper place. "Those religious fundamentalists are the ones who have
basketball hang-ups! The rest of us know that it's just part of life and so not
really a big deal. It's a private matter. It will take care of itself."
But then suppose you saw basketballs everywhere you went. Suppose that
while riding the bus you constantly heard people saying things like, "Say,
did you hear the one about the referee and the coach?" Suppose that when
passing by a newspaper stand you saw that almost three-quarters of the magazines
had a basketball on their covers. Suppose you saw a billboard towering over a
city square featuring only the image of a giant aqua-marine basketball, slightly
shrouded in shadows, but then suppose you realized this billboard was really
promoting a brand of soup. Suppose that almost every show you saw on TV featured
a basketball game at some point even as many of the show's characters went to
school or work wearing some form of a basketball jersey.
If you saw all this, you would never believe anyone who told you,
"Around here, basketball is really not a very big deal." And just like
the basketball analogy, sex IS a big deal.
Oddly enough, Paul's imagery in Ephesians 5 throws a spotlight onto
sexual practices. The light of Christ that begins to shine on us when we commit
our lives to Jesus does not switch off when sexuality is being discussed or
practiced. Paul essentially says, "If your practice of sexuality cannot be
done smack dab in the center of God's holy spotlight--if God's shining his light
into your bedroom would cause you to be ashamed--then you've got a problem. You
just are light now. You cannot be the light and yet expect that the
sexual part of you can stay hidden in the dark somewhere."
Precisely because sexuality is a gift of a loving God, and because the
institution of marriage is considered a sacred place by the church, sex deserves
our finest efforts to ward off forms of adultery you never see.
Friends, actual adultery
certainly wrecks a fair number of marriages, but far more, I suspect, are ruined
by simple inattention. Being married is a daily task and vocation. Avoiding
adultery is one part of that but so is avoiding being too busy, so is avoiding
bad listening habits, so is avoiding sheer neglect as you merely pass each other
while rushing out the door. Let me
close with a simple listing of ideas which the married among us need to unpack
and apply within their own marriages.
First, pray for your marriage. Paul advises that we perpetually be in the
Spirit, always giving thanks to God for everything. In the context of marriage
this means giving thanks to God for your spouse. It also means asking regularly
for God's Spirit to fill your marriage. Very few marriages are completely free
of any sore spots, sources of tension, or ongoing disagreements. Pray about
those things. Pray for God to make you more a attentive listener.
Second, follow up those prayers by cooperating with the Spirit to
accomplish the same things for which you've prayed. We all need to be better
listeners, although it may be men who have a bit more work to do.
We all need to be better,
more nurturing listeners. Barb and I………..(me “fix it!”/BE SILENT AND
DON”T FIX ME!” Barb—DON”T
TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.” Maybe
you should bike with people who are older and slower?
One technique that may be helpful in this regard is to be invested in
each other's daily lives. Whether you work in the home or out of the home, your
days will be filled with time apart from your spouse. You will run across
people, think thoughts, do tasks, and follow certain routines all in the absence
of your husband or wife. What's more, a lot of that daily grind will be highly
important to you. You will invest a lot of time, energy, worry, and thought into
your work. It forms a major part of your identity.
But the only way spouses can converse meaningfully on such vital subjects
is if each knows the other's work, co-workers, and routines. If your wife comes
home from work and begins to talk about Sally or Max, then you as a husband will
be a much better listener if you know who Sally and Max are, have maybe met them
so you can put a face with the name.
If your husband describes a conversation he had with his boss, you will
listen better if you can visualize your husband's work station or desk area. So
what this means is visiting each other's places of work, meeting each other's
colleagues, and asking questions that will help to give you a sense for what a
typical day is like.
When these kinds of loving, thoughtful actions are done regularly in a
marriage, the sexuality component will fit in naturally as an expression of the
same feelings that gets expressed everywhere else, too. But when lives drift
apart through lack of effort, poor listening skills, or overly busy lives, then
no amount of sexual activity can save the marriage. Indeed, it is then that we
may be the most vulnerable to believe the lie that perhaps sex with someone else
is what will lead to the fulfillment currently lacking in the marriage.
The film American Beauty is in many ways an ugly, offensive
portrait of modern life in this country. But
on one point the film is dead-on accurate. Because what ends up being conveyed
by the script is the notion that we are in a world which God has already filled
with much beauty and joy. But beauty and joy are not found in the sexuality of
this culture, not in business success nor in having a picture-perfect, Martha
Stewart kind of life. None of that is American beauty, it is all the American
lie. It is all surface and no depth.
Perhaps the best thing about being married to Barbara is having somebody
to forgive and to give to. Companionship, sex, somebody to share the
chores—these are all wonderful. But by far the greatest gift is the daily
opportunity to learn to love your neighbor as yourself. This was a radical
notion in Christ's time; it is radical now. It will always be radical because it
is the hardest way, the most illogical way, the 'unfairest' way—and the only
way that can grant us the peace that passes all understanding.
Marriage is one of the best places to learn Jesus’ great commandment.
Marriage is changing my heart, one molecule at a time, from stone to
flesh. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, it is giving me the
opportunity to die to myself. And that, as Saint Francis said, is the only way
to waken to eternal life.
Will you pray with me now?
St.
Andrew Presbyterian Church,
Web Site: SAPC-CT.HOME.ATT.NET
Office Email: SAPC-CT@ATT.NET
"Permission to use is granted provided use is not for publication."